Taste and see

On hunger during Lent

We are deep into the rhythms of Lent. I am fasting from something that gives me pleasure and comfort. Of course it's the fasting itself that shows me how much comfort I take in this habit. Revealing my wanting and craving, my misplaced longing. This is the way Lent works on the deepest part of me- the unconscious paths my mind and body travel to soothe and regulate, but often to escape pain and discomfort, stress, the raw feelings that sometimes feel too much to bear. Why not take the edge off a little? Why not numb just enough to cope? Why not reward myself because I've had such a hard day? Sound familiar?

What this Lenten practice of fasting does is cause me to see myself honestly. All the rough edges and messy desire. The way I can justify running away from myself, hide from the Holy One, dress myself in fig leaves I call self- care or pleasure (and oh, I will argue over and over that pleasure can be a path to the Holy). But it can also be an escape route I carve for myself.

Perhaps you are practicing this self-surrender during Lent as well. Maybe you've given something up to remind you of your frailty, your dependence and contingency. Your creatureliness. We are walking this road to the cross, yes, where Jesus entered into the trauma- our trauma- of being human and having a body and unmet needs and the dysfunction and heartache of things not being right in the world. Lent reminds us of the brokenness of the world and of our own hearts, and that longing for things to be different is itself the roadmap to redemption and restoration.

God is in our longing. God is the longing and the answer to the longing. This is what I am faced with when I relinquish my self-given right and entitlement to whatever pleases me, even if that thing is a gift or grace or gravy on top.

What we notice when we're fasting is our hunger. Our appetites. How deep they go and how loudly they speak. It's good to hear them. During all of Ordinary Time when we so often satiate our hungers, they seem subdued. But once we say no to that thing or habit or drink or food it's amazing how they roar.

The invitation of Lent is to listen to that roar, and underneath the deep yearning. What do you REALLY want, I ask. What do you REALLY need. Not the drink or the chocolate or the scrolling. What does your soft body, your inner self long for most in this moment? It's beyond wine or sugar or Instagram escape. It's communion with the One who made every cell of my body and fathoms my being from eternity.

Lent reminds me that I am so deeply, inescapably HUMAN, as much as my desire for control and self-mastery and the great Self-improvement Project would try to convince me otherwise. Lent is living into weakness instead of a delicate facade of strength. It's returning to the Lord, letting him cup my face in his hands and hearing him say "look at me," receiving his forgiveness for my shortcomings and sin and also forgiving myself for not being perfect (surprise!). What a relief. It's unloading a burden I was never meant to carry.

Fasting is yet another way to pray with our bodies. To tell the story to ourselves that we have chosen lesser things to satiate us, to return to the goodness and abundance of God's lovingkindness, grace and mercy. In this season of Lent, may our need and longing, our hunger an weakness, point us toward the table God is setting for us. A table in the wilderness of a world that is not as it should be. As we journey toward Easter, toward Resurrection and Hallelujah and Restoration, I am reminding myself and now you,

Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see-

how good God is.

Blessed are you who run to him. - Psalm 34, The Message

May we run to Him,

Jess

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